churchy stuff

So, anyway, Reverend Desmond Tutu is not willing to go to a heaven if gay people are not allowed to spend eternity there.  He would rather go to hell.  He is...has always been...totally my kind of person.

And, I have been a fan of the new Pope since I first learned about him, whenever that was.  When he was chosen and ordained, in super rapid time, which was amazing and kind of nice.  I left the Catholic Church a long time ago.  I still had faith and a strong belief, but the church system, at least that parish, was not a good match for me.  I tried to stay connected, involved.  The politics and the pettiness of the movers and shakers was difficult to watch.

The turning point  was when my daughter wanted to attend a Catholic high school.  She had tried public school for eighth grade, and soon realized that her learning disabilities made it too difficult for her to function outside of a private school environment.  So, I had to quit the childhood program I created at the parish school.  I needed a job that paid more money.  It was necessary, there was no other choice.  And, it was going to get more complicated because of the situation at home.  I knew that I would be in for more abuse.  Just did not have any other choices.

On the day that I gave notice and shared with the school principal and the pastor that I would not be returning after the summer break, the pastor sent the president of the home and school association to talk to me.  He tried to talk me out of leaving.  I explained my reasons and told him that I would not be changing my mind.  Thinking back, I marvel at how I was unable to stand up for myself or protect myself at home, much less refuse to do anything that someone who is not me wanted me to do.  It really is strange how I could be one person at home and some other kind of person outside of the home.  Yeah, I know that I have learned in therapy that I was doing whatever I needed to survive.  Still pretty darn interesting to think of it now.

So, anyway, he kept trying to convince me to stay and when I kept trying to tell me that I could not, that I really needed the extra money for my daughter to attend that school, he told me that I really should just apply for food stamps and that would make it possible for me to be available to stay where I was.  After all, he added, as I stood there dumbfounded, was that it was my right to get those food stamps because that is the kind of program that my taxes had been supporting all those years.

My daughter attended that church school and I got a job selling sewing machines and giving sewing lessons, and later moved up to a book store.

Whilst I continued to attend mass each week, it was pretty much the end of my involvement with any of the church programs.  And, Pope Francis excites me.  I like his ideas and his practices.  I like the way he is traveling around the world and I most especially like his recent stance on the issues surrounding and affecting same sex relationships.

Then, he had to go and maintain his integrity and share his views on women's roles in the church.  I would not call him sexist, and that is because he is just who he is.  He is a product of the same hierarchical and centuries long religious community and practice.  Male, primarily white, privilege.  Really, just as simple as that.  Yes, I am a simple and simple-minded person.  That does not make how the Catholic church is structured.

I heard what the Pope said about how women need to be more than altar girls or involved with charitable work, but that the door is closed on women every becoming priests, that the ban is an infallible teaching of the church.  So be it.  Women in the church, particularly nuns, have been taking charge and making strides as long as there have been nun and opportunities for taking charge of things.

I think that none of us will live long enough to see any change in that status or belief.  No one involved is willing to risk giving away or allowing any woman to take any authority or power in, well, anything.

Women will have to keep doing what they always have, keeping the faith and doing the work that needs to be done.

And, I am fairly certain that women like me will continue to have the men of the church, and the home and school association, instruct us in exactly what sacrifices we need to make to do most of that work for them.

I am glad that we have people like Reverend Tutu in the world, and I still like Pope Francis.  For me this is simply another exercise in accepting people for who they are, and maybe finding a bit more acceptance for me and who I am.  I have faith that could happen.

creativity

One of the parts of my life that was left behind is making art.  I had to leave my loom and easel and all sorts of stuff behind.  I actually have more than I thought, as someone packed boxes and boxes of art supplies and craft materials and put them in storage.

I have them now and am trying to go through everything.  Maybe someday I will feel organized or juiced up enough to dabble, but I am not holding my breath.

Eight years ago, when I researched and then chose aggressive surgery for a neurological vision disorder, one of the possible results could have been blindness.  Frankly, the disorder was so disabling that even losing my sight was, at least at that time, preferable to not doing anything.  I am not sure exactly how I would make that decision today, but my best guess is that I would do the same thing, just sooner.

Back then, my daughter found a newspaper article about a man with very limited vision who still painted.  He had been doing so for most of his life and had developed techniques that allowed him to continue in pretty much the same style, once his sight began to fail.  He kept painting and grew in his abilities as his sight decreased.  It was so inspiring, as it informed me that if you really want to do something, you will find a way.

Cool.  I wanted to have a life, am doing that, and it is my hope that I will be inspired to start making stuff again, once I can actually find anything.

I have to think about this now because I just found an article on-line.  It gave me a little thrill.  Even when I could not make any art in that other life, I could quietly sit at my computer and use the Paint program that came with my computer to make art.  Electronic, ephemeral, wonky, but it is still art and I still do it a bit.  I remember when I created the logo for my studio, and I was so proud that I did it, pixel by pixel.  Still am.

This man is so wonderful, as is his family and he is old, like me, although I am a bit over a heartbeat younger.

Yahoo!
Legally blind artist, 97, paints in pixels
http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/legally-blind-artist-97-paints-pixels-224842640.html

animals

I suppose it is my background that helps me sort of categorize all living creatures on the planet as animals, which includes humans.

The most recent issue is the condition of abandoned animals in shelters.  Appalling, heartbreaking and of concern to many people.  I began my work, more than thirty years ago, in animal welfare and rescue because I could see the connection between what the children under my care were experiencing, as regards to unhealthy home issues, and the treatment of animals, pets mostly.

I did what I always do, and started researching those aspects.  It has been up & down hill since then.  I am no longer connected with a shelter or other local organization, but I still do what I can in the support of humane treatment for animals.  Humans, too, as that seems to have been the natural progression for me.  I began with human support and here I am.

All creation has been on my mind lately. 
Young people in the wrong place, at the wrong time, having interaction or being confronted by the wrong people.  Our country is caught in the thrall of the most recent incidents.
New reports of increasing food-insecurity, lack of jobs, family problems, homelessness, all on a scale that should bring all Americans to their knees in shame.
Billionaires predicting the fall of our economic system and divesting their investments in ways that the average citizen, presuming that any of them actually have investments, cannot.

I seems overwhelming, well, because I guess that it is overwhelming.

I do not have any solutions.  I do not know any of the answers.  Hell, I do not even know all of the questions.  I do not know what questions to ask for myself.

I have been thinking and meditating on all of this.  Yesterday's helping of one of the support group members just sat me back on my ass.  I have so many more resources than most of the people I know, and still not enough to do anything significant or important.

All I can do is get up every day and do my best.
Go to my volunteer gigs.
Attend groups and therapy and continue to offer what I have to whomever needs what I have.
Stop obsessing over what I cannot do.
Keep trying to find a job.
Keep trying to hand on to the car.

Just keep doing my work.
Everything has led me here and taking advantage of all of my resources and advantages is part of that.  Sharing and caring and loving when I can.

It has to be enough.

It is not about the food stamps

A woman, who recently moved from Ohio to Texas, died by her own hand during a standoff at a Texas state welfare office, where she had gone to obtain food stamps.  She shot her two children before taking her own life.  The children are hospitalized in critical condition.

This could happen anywhere.  Rising social service needs in my own community are in direct and losing conflict with declining resources.  One thing that is happening here is that private agencies are increasing their service loads and creating new programs, an endeavor that churches and other faith communities are joining.

We have decent homeless shelters.  All of them are not just shelters who offer a few programs, they are Programs that happen to have a shelter(s) attached to them.  We also have a couple of daytime programs that provide social contact, meals and life skills help, as some of the shelters here do not allow residents to hang around during certain hours.  They are supposed to be out, looking for jobs, taking working and training at various state agencies, and some of them find their way to me, where I help them with all things employment related, including access to social services, all things I may share at some other time.

Programs, shelters and social services (both public and privately funded) are there to help with not only the homelessness, but the issues and life circumstances that lead someone to being homeless.  Mental illness is right up there, at the top.  Dangerous behaviors, self-medication with alcohol or other drugs, including prescription medications,

Some sheltering programs are more strict than others, something which I personally support, having lived in one of them last year, and they range from that model of responsibility all the way down to one being way to touchy-feely to be of significant help except for the most motivated.

Those who are not especially motivated, they drift from shelter to shelter, city to city, state to state and back again, their disruptive behavior, thieving ways and the continuance of the substance abuse wearing out their welcomes, initiating their next trip, next stop, until it all begins again.  They pretend to have whatever issue that the shelter is designed to help.  The nicest thing they are called is shelter hoppers.

I share all of this because it is my experience and every moment of this work shapes and informs what I do and how I want to do it.

I have no idea if the woman was employed, had a place to live, if her children were in school, if she were fleeing domestic abuse or substance use, mental health care issues, none of the things that might have contributed to her desperation this week.  All anyone knows is that she was desperate enough to have a gun, cause a standoff with the authorities and eventually injure her children and take her life.

Whilst it will be helping and interesting and useful to learn more about her, not a thing can be done to help her and her family now.  All for which we can hold hope is that we can learn from what happened and use that to try to prevent it from happening to some other family in some other city.

And, whatever we learn, I am positive that what happened was not just about being denied food stamps.  It was about something that began/happened, or did not begin or happen, much earlier.  It is about a breakdown, a failure in the System.  It is about of things to which we had better begin acknowledging and for which we take serious action.  It is about resources being inappropriately wasted and not being available for those truly in need, even if turns out that the woman in this situation was not failed by anyone or any agency.  In fact, I guarantee it.

CBS News
Mom denied food stamps shoots kids, kills self
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57337766/mom-denied-food-stamps-shoots-kids-kills-self/

Detroit - with update 07-20-2013

Update below

I read, this evening, that the city of Detroit, Michigan is filing bankruptcy.  It is the largest American city to do so.

Whilst they are not the first municipality in the US to do this, and they most likely will not be the last, there is something special, poignant about this ultimate admission that things really just are not going very well there.

There are a lot of reasons and I only know about some of them because they are a neighboring state, I had friends in the automobile manufacturing business, and there have been documentaries about some of their struggles.

At its best, Detroit was a shining and successful example of manufacturing and business, the arts.  They had major league sports and interesting city architecture, as well as wonderful neighborhoods, perfect for raising families.

Detroit had it all, manifesting the best of hopes and beliefs that form the American Dream.  The city hired bankruptcy expert, Kevyn Orr, who shared with Governor Rick Snyder that ..."he saw no alternative to filing for Chapter 9, blaming decades of fiscal mismanagement, plummeting population, decaying infrastructure and failing services."

Times are tough, pretty much everywhere.  Whole countries in serious distress, cities all over the world struggling to survive.  It would have been nice if Detroit was having a different result.  

Los Angeles Times
Detroit declares bankruptcy with $18 billion in debts
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-0719-detroit-bankruptcy-20130719,0,7289375.story

UPDATE:

Detroit bankruptcy declared unconstitutional by judge:

Yahoo! News
Mich. judge calls Detroit bankruptcy unconstitutional; AG to appeal
http://news.yahoo.com/michigan-gov--snyder-defends-reasons-behind-detroit-bankruptcy-160222649.html

racism is a four-letter word

For most of my life I have been hyper-alert to violence.  Long, sad stories; we all have them.  Now I am firmly on my journey of recovery and the whatever the heck crafting a new and safe life is all about.

I am right there, on that path.  I have a place to live.  CoolCat and I made it that far and now we are healing and expanding beyond the restraints of that other life.  I have been in therapy almost from the beginning, when I fled that old life.  I was homeless for a while, stayed with friends for a while, lived in a motel for a bit.  No end to a lot of that stuff from that person who is not me, but we are moving on as best we can.

An interesting part of this process is a renewed interest in things beyond my immediate problems.  And, I have a need to express my feelings and connections to what other people are experiencing in their own lives.  I most likely will not post here often, thinking of this as more of a place to share energy when so inspired.

I suspect that any links I provide may not last forever, so I will be sharing as much of the original story as is properly and legally available.

There has been frequent and intense media coverage about a situation in Florida.  The case, which just ended in a not guilty verdict for the fatal shooting of a teenager named Trayvon Martin by man named George Zimmerman, the gated community where they both were living at the time.  The details can be found on-line, and what I want to share about that is we can only speculate about what actually happened during the encounter, but is simply does not seem right to me, that justice was served by there being no consequences for an encounter where someone dies.

Race issues are rampant here in the US.  It is a common belief amongst some citizens that racism and prejudice and the associated behaviors are a current problem in the southern part of our country, but the truth is that whilst racism is more subtle in the other areas of the country.  I live in the general area of the Midwest states and can affirm that there is just as much racism and other prejudices here than anywhere, my entire country and the world.

My country was reported to be founded on the principles of freedom for everyone. The truth is that our founding fathers really had only white men in mind.  The dialogue and documents mention only men, but we babes have fought for our share, with varying degrees of success, as have other populations.  It is a continuing struggle, as evidenced by the issues and legalities facing citizens of all persuasions.  I am certain that all of those life circumstances and issues will find their way here eventually.

Back to race.  I sometimes think that discrimination will never be lessened, much less eradicated.  Such baby steps we take in this direction.  The path is strewn with hopelessness, dashed dreams and broken people. 

Still, I am a hopeful optimist, having managed to hang on to that even during the worst times of that other life.

I believe in a kind and loving Universe.
I believe in the inherent goodness of people.
I believe that we are genetically predisposed to love one another, in all kinds of ways, from simple courtesy to the willingness to give our lives for others.
I have pretty much given up on corporations and governments, but that is another story.  Stories.  Lots of them.

Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas tells us, My name is Odd Thomas. I see the lingering spirits of the dead.

My name is J.  I see the lingering spirits of good people who have good intentions and a love for the world and all of its inhabitants, even if they have been led astray by bad parenting, mentoring or their own lack/loss of self-worth.

And, I am not alone.  I spent last week receiving training to become a Peer Specialist (another story).  There I met a room full of people just like me. 

That has never, ever, ever happened to me before.  Oh, sure, I run into the occasional person or group that is on a similar path to my own.  But, a whole room?  Never. 

So, I know with absolute certainty that my little part of the world is joining with other people and organizations all over the world to eliminate the things that are used to minimize, reduce, defeat, harm and kill those who are different from the people willing to do all of those things.  And more.

This morning I was reading something chosen to delay me from doing what I really need to do today.  It led me to the story of a black woman who owns a restaurant/diner in the UK.

World News on NBCNEWS.com
By Henry Austin
Black diner owner's 'I don't bite' sign sparks soul-searching about racism in UK
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/07/11/19411838-black-diner-owners-i-dont-bite-sign-sparks-soul-searching-about-racism-in-uk

Marth-Renee Kolleh, is a 46 year old diner owner in Wakefield, Yorkshire, England.  She has been feeling that potential customers were entering her restaurant, seeing her, and leaving because she is black.  She has observed the expressions on the faces of people when they first see her, and has overheard comments from them as they turn around and leave.

In an experiment to test those feelings, she chose two Saturdays, her busiest day.  On the first Saturday, she had one of her white employees do all of the greeting, order taking, serving and all the rest.  The following Saturday, Ms. Kolleh did all of the same things.  Her Saturday brought in only one-fifth of the revenue.

So, she made a sign that informed potential customers that she was black, owned the diner and that if it did not bother them, they could quality, wholesome meals inside.  She also wrote "I am a black woman, and always will be.  If you are allergic to black people, don't come in."

Again, I have never been there; all I have is her story, but I suspect that those few incidents may have been only the tipping point for many things, people and behaviors that preceded those incidents.  This story is about a dozen different aspects of how we try to have a life.  Chances are that I will never be privy to any of the rest of them.

The comments sections is more revealing, exposing how people really feel, under the auspices and support of being completely anonymous. 

If any of the magic wands I have made over the years actually worked on these kinds of external circumstances, situations, viewpoints and issues, I would make more and have them available to anyone.  Of course, if that sort of magic existed, we really would not need it in the first place.

My work is primarily with the most needy of the needy.  I have plenty of relatively normal-life clients, and they are my vacation from the more strenuous work.  By the time some people become my clients they have exhausted all of their resources, often all of the available resources.  Racism and prejudices and discrimination of every manner is almost always a factor in how they are struggling.

I am not making any excuses for how some people struggle.  I am a perfect example of how someone can overcome life circumstances and go on to have a truly kick-ass life.  I am a solid practitioner of the theory of pulling up my big girl panties and getting over and moving forward.  When someone chooses to work with me, I expect them to do their part of the work.  I accept no excuses.  You can either take this opportunity to move forward or use it to support some other person or program or service where you will take advantage of that opportunity.

At last week's training, there was a strong and interesting discussion and production of what the ethical standards should be for this new work.  In my small-group for this section was a man who is working with veterans (I already work with veterans through a state agency and would love to do more of this...another story), and as we were finishing up, he was able to distill all of the ideas and standards, guidelines and rules, to one precept.  He referenced it to the modern-ish distillation of the Hippocratic Oath, but I think of it in terms of my own, cobbled, weird and personal spirituality.

It is First, do no harm.

Would that everyone tried to do that at least once each day.